Checking In

Hi Everyone,

First I must say how overwhelmed I am by everyone’s posts , notes, cards. letters and beautiful poems that have been sent to me and posted right here. I too check in every day. I don’t often write, because honestly, not much has changed. I don’t have to tell you again that my heart is shattered, my life’s path is broken and emotionally I feel drained……This Friday the 12th, will be one month since by Baby passed, and yet it feels like yesterday…..The tears flow, and flow, and flow……………………………..

I do try to keep busy, and I’m working on the January 31st show, putting the outfits and accessories together, always with the TV on for company. When I’m working I try not to think of Jac too much, because it stops me dead in my tracks….It’s hard to focus on clothes when I’m thinking of my beautiful Jac, and then my mind wanders and I start thinking of how much I miss her……….

God works in mysterious ways. I can’t help but think he planned ahead for my show to be on at 1am on the 31st, the last day of the month…..At this hour the building will be practically empty, so I won’t have lots of people coming up to me with their heartfelt condolences……all well meaning….but just too emotional for me right now. There will only be the three people at the front “Operations Desk”, the stylist, the makeup person, my six models, the host [don’t know who that will be yet], and the crew on the set. That will make it easier for me my first time back……Of course, Jac will be there with me at my side, holding me up to give me the strength I will need….. I will need all of her support to get through this two hour show…….I also know that many of you will there there with me too, and for that I am very grateful. I will do my best to hold it together, but I know there will be moments that will be very difficult……Kate, the model, is planning a get together at her home the night before on the 30th for me and some of the models. I appreciate this very much, because I don’t think I could handle seeing them all for the first time just before the show in the models room. I know we would all be emotional wrecks. They all loved Jac so much. I know we will all do our best, but I know it will be a difficult show for all of us. Jac will just have to lift all of us up.

Besides all of the beautiful cards I have received, I have also gotten all of this “official” mail concerning Jac’s passing. Lots of forms to fill out. This is all way over my head, and truly I don’t want to do it. It is so upsetting, so official, so intrusive….so my wonderful brother has been helping me with all of this paper work. Today I have more meetings with bank people etc etc, and my accountant Elliot, who Jac and I know for years and years, and who Jac called her “boyfriend”, is coming from the city and will come with me…..so you see I do have help to deal with these things that must be taken care of. Once it’s all taken care of this heavy weight on my shoulders hopefully will be lifted.

As I was gathering important papers for these meetings, that Jac and I kept in a strong box, I found a sealed card addressed to “My Dear Sister Marianne”. At the bottom it said “Please give this card to my sister”. I was shocked……When had she written this? How long had it been sitting  at the bottom of this box waiting for me to find it? It’s only because I needed these paper, which I’m sure she knew at some point I would need, did I even look into the box. I also found a card that her sister wrote to Jac years ago. It wasn’t a specific occasion card, just a beautiful card expressing her love for Jac. I thought Marianne, her sister, should have both of these cards immediately so I Fed Ex them over night and she received them yesterday, Marianne called me last night, in tears, to tell me she had received the cards, and had been crying all day. The card that she had sent to Jac, and now was sent back to her, was no doubt done through Jac’s hand. The message of love was exchanged from one sister to the other, and now back again…………The sealed card said, ” My Dearest Marianne, if you are reading this card then you know I have passed, and I’m now with Mommy.” The rest is just too personal……..Marianne asked me all sorts of questions like when do I think she wrote this? I had no answer. We could only guess that she wrote it when she first found out about the cancer a year and a half ago. I guess she always had doubts that she would survive……The tears just keep flowing. She thanked me profusely for getting these precious cards to her, and they are at her bedside. She told me she cries everyday…..we are in the same boat together…….The tormenting pain of missing Jac just is constantly there………………..So, I continue on this new path I must travel, but there is nothing joyful about this new dark road I am on……………..I do thank you all beyond words for caring so much for my well being…….I just need Jac to lift me up every second of the day……………….much Love, Louis

 

46 Responses to “Checking In”


  • Dear Louis,
    I am so sorry that you are dealing with this loneliness. As you know from my previous messages I am praying for you and Jac’s family. Thank you for sharing that story with us about the note. It really showed how compassionate and loving Jac was. I wish I could have met her in person. Please know I wish the best for you. God bless- Samantha

  • Dear Louis, How lovely that Jac left her sister a special letter. I am so glad you have help from your brother and accountant with the paperwork. What a wonderful idea Kate had, I hope that will ease you in on the 31st. Yes, God does work in mysterious ways and he, Jac, your models and your Linea Ladies will get you through. I am , and will continue, sending you strength, prayers, love and hugs.

  • We’re all holding you in our hearts and lifting you up in our prayers every day, but especially today, the 12th.

  • Oh Louis….. my heart is going out to you to fill you and hold you up in your time of need. Blessings to you…

  • CarlyTwila (aka Susan)

    Dear Louis,
    I too check in every day here. I don’t always write, but I do always send prayers. I have lost dear friends and both parents to cancer, and I feel your pain. I love that your Linea Ladies are here to help comfort you. This is a reflection of your wonderful giving spirit and the love for both you and Jac. Your story of the pups moving to your couch is proof to me that Jac is right there with you. Take care of yourself. See you on the 31st.
    Much Love,
    Susan

  • Dear Louis,
    I send my deepest thoughts to and prayers to you on this heart wrenching day. God be with you. Every day, I open my closet doors and a prayer goes up for you, as my closet is full of Linea designs and my thoughts and prayers are there. My prayers will be with you on the 31st. God will hold you up, just lean on Him.
    How kind and thoughtful of Kate to have this gathering for you and the other models. I pray it will ease what needs to be.We all will have you in thoughts and prayers. Be well, lean on those around you. We love you Louis.

  • Dear Louis,
    You are going to be creating “first times” without Jac…if possible bring someone with you on the 31st , the busyness that comes with having another person, showing them where to go what to do…will ease ever so slightly Jac not being there as I am sure you two had a routine when coming to QVC…there is nothing you can do except walk through the grief. Jac loved you well and built you a strong heart, though I am sure it is broken into pieces now. You have to lean deeply on family and good friends for a long time. We feel your deep and abiding pain and you have our prayers that you will walk this path feeling loved and safe.
    May you find peace,
    Take care of yourself!
    Victoria

  • Dear Louis,
    Add me to the list of those who check for messages from you every day and read the beautiful words of love and encouragement from your friends (and I guess you could say we are all collective friends of you and each other, bonded by our affection for YOU and Jac). Of course I will be watching you on the 31st with my ever-present admiration of your style, talent and grace, while also praying for strength for you and the models during this difficult time.
    With love and caring thoughts each and every day,
    Karla

  • I was also wondering about Marianne, Louis, and how she was doing. I know she and Jac were very close and can only imagine how receiving the cards you sent her would touch her very deeply.

  • Our dear Louis, Thank you so much for getting back to us. I’m sure most if not all of us have had those periods of just putting one foot in front of the other and know how difficult it always is. And how hard it can be to find solace. For me, music is a balm, all kinds of music, from classical to blue grass, and our much loved Robin and Linda Williams, whose home is right down the road from us. And whose songs touch upon about every human emotion. I can be lost for hours on YouTube. Nature is also always nurturing to me and where I feel very spiritually connected. One particularly bleak winter I made it a project to feed the birds. We were on 8+ acres at the time, with several of them left wild to provide natural habitats for birds and beasts, but I decided to supplement that. I put up feeders of all kinds for different kinds of seeds and something for suet cakes.It wasn’t long before the bird network got the word out and I was surrounded by birds coming to feed once in the morning then again at twilight. I decided they were God’s messengers, and as much as I gave them in food, they returned to me ten-fold with their songs and cheer. We still feed the birds and now have a heated bird bath as well. It is so important for you to find solace, comfort, and healing at this time. Please don’t neglect yourself!

    I will also be watching on 31 Jan. Please don’t worry about “losing it”, should that come to pass. Few are up watching at that hour, and those who for sure will be watching, will be there with you and supporting you in spirit. We will understand completely if you feel you need a break or two. Or three. Or more. How kind of Kate to have a pre-show gathering for all of you. Would it help to write down all of our names on paper and putting them in your jacket pocket? Will you have anyone drive down and back with you?

    Love to you always, Barbara

  • LDO, you and Jac are in my thoughts everyday, and if I still can’t believe this is actually real, that it actually happened, I can only imagine what you must be feeling. Grief can wear you out and I am sure it is a struggle everyday to just live your life. While it can never fill the hole in your heart, I pray you find solace in work and in continuing to create beauty and graciousness, for that is one of Jac’s legacies to us and to the world. I hope on your first show back you can feel the love coming at you from homes all across the country. Kate

  • Dear Louis,

    Your words are so eloquent and your love for Jac so deep and enduring. I am crying as I write this. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. How thoughtful it is of Kate to have a get together before you appear again on QVC. I will be watching.

    Best,

    Pam

  • We all look forward to being with you again for your show. Your sorrow, your resolve to carry on, your loyalty to Jac’s memory and your ability to express all of this so beautifully are giving us all a new admiration for you. Character shows in times of tragedy, and you are meeting the challenge as Jac knew you would. Big hugs!

    crdlb

  • Dear Louis,
    My heart truly hurts for you, and I can only tell you my thoughts and prayers are with you daily, and I will certainly watch on the 31st. Our love and prayers and good thoughts will hopefully be felt by you, and you will always have our support.

  • Louis,Thank you for including us in your journey.I am Schaticoke,Native American,in our culture the beloved that have gone before us to sit in the circle of life, are now part of all the beauty of life, like dandelion fluff,scattered to all the world,to light up the dark night,to be that perfect bloom…You are a very homered man,to be loved so deeply you are part of her always..Sending you love, prayer and strength MaryAnne

  • Louis —

    Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. We are with you, sending you our affection, thoughts and prayers daily.

    When your show airs on January 31, you will have Jac by your side and all of the Linea ladies sending you their support from across the miles. We are here for you.

    Michelle

  • I doubt if there is any other designer that would drag me out of my warm bed to watch in the wee hours of the morning to watch a Q presentation. But…I want to be with you and the models. I’ll be in my recliner watching you on tv, with a blanket, with the two cats, probably a cup of decaf coffee, a box of tissue, and my iPad for ordering. I look forward to you taking that first step!

  • I check for your messages daily. I wish there was more we can do than listen, but healing takes time.
    In the meanwhile, take care of yourself, let yourself lean on the people closest to you and know that we care.
    Your remarks about the letter was so touching. You and Marianne will help each other through this.
    I’m glad Kate is having a get together the eve of the show. It will be somewhat healing for your and Jac’s model friends. I’m sure they have been like family for many a year and are also bereft.
    I’m so glad you are going forward with the early morning show. Everything you mentioned is in your favor for this bittersweet show. I’ll be there with you.
    Warm ((((hugs )))
    Judi

  • Louis- what a true professional you are, returning to QVC to preside over your show on the 31st. I hope you will realize the energy that will be sent on your behalf from all your faithful Linea Ladies who will be watching, regardless of the late hour.
    God bless all those who are helping you to move forward each day: your brother, Elliott, Kate, Angela, Chantal and all your models and, of course, the loving support of your dear Jac.
    Continued prayers for strength and healing. Keep breathing and stay in the moment as best you can.

  • Dear Louis, I write to you today with a heavy heart. My Aunt passed away this week from a year long battle with cancer. I loved her so much and my entire family is suffering. I check on here to see how you are doing because we are all human beings. We laugh together and we cry together and at the end of the day we all care about our loved ones. I will be watching you when you make your return to QVC, cheering you on. I admire you and your love for Jac and I will continue to pray for you. Much love from Ohio…..

    • Dear Jen, I am so sorry to hear of your Aunt’s passing, Grief can tare you apart physically, but mostly emotionally, and it can become all consuming. I fight every second of the day to keep my head above water. I understand your suffering only to well. God bless you and your family.

      • Thank you for your kind words. I believe our loved ones are in heaven where there is no more suffering. You will always be in my thoughts Louis.

  • Dearest Louis, your sorrow is heard loud and clear. My hear breaks for you and all that you must endure during this difficult time. Bravo to you for moving forward and continuing with your work. Jac would be so proud. I along with so many others will be there with you when you return to QVC. Sending many hugs your way.

  • Dear Louis. This is the most difficult time for someone who has lost a love and is simply devastated. You are in mourning and having to deal with the “paperwork” and issues involved when a loved one passes away is just an insult. As an estate attorney, I advise my clients to mourn, take care of themselves and let the “professionals” do their jobs. What a lovely and sweet woman your Jac is and was. She will guide you through the “estate” process as will your professionals. Let them handle it since your mind is just not on that stuff now. If you have any questions, I would be honored to answer them. I’m sure your professionals will be able to help you with everything, however. I’m on Long Island just across the Sound from you, and I’m a pretty good listener. I am so happy that you are returning to QVC. The Linea ladies can’t wait. Wore my black cowl neck sweater today in Jac’s honor! My new favorite sweater. My husband loves it as well. Hugs to you and Jac.

  • How fortunate that you have your brother to help with the paperwork that unfortunately is a necessity. Jac will live on in your heart & soul. That first show will be difficult, but the unfamiliar is always stressful. She would want you to continue on. So glad that Kate is having a get together with those models who have worked with you & Jac. There is much love & support from those around you,

    Regards,
    Chris

  • Dear Louis sending hugs for sharing at this difficult time. I was also thinking about the girls how are they holding up I am sure they comfort you as well and miss Jac terribly too, animals are a great comforter as well and they know. One day at a time…..

    • The girls always would cuddle on the couch with Jac. They couldn’t get close enough to her. Sammy, my baby and a Daddy’s girl would nuzzle up to my face for kisses, but when it was time to settle in for the night she would jump off the couch and squeeze herself between Jac and the arm of the couch. Jac loved it……Now none of the girls stay on the Jac’s couch. They stay on the couch with me. It saddens me to look over and see Jac’s couch empty.

      • Animals are about 95% emotion and so quick to sense when we need comfort and healing. I’m happy to read that your girls are taking care of you, as I’m sure you are, them. You all are family. XXOO

      • As I read this, I imagined Jac sitting on the coach with all of you, with the girls piled on her lap and her arms around you. No need for her to be on the other couch…
        She’s right there beside you! Hugs to you Louis. You are loved by many.

        • Dear Wendy…..I hadn’t thought of that, but of course it’s true. Jac is always right beside me and the girls must all know that too.

      • Awww I know it’s hard for the girls too but I am glad you all have each other for comfort and healing. God Bless.

  • Dearest Louis,

    Such a beautiful and loving soul is Jac. As are you. Thank you for sharing these most tender of moments with us.

    I feel your sorrow through your words and living one moment at a time is all that can be managed in grief sometimes. We are all there with you sending up love and support as you bravely step forward into creating again and sharing with your QVC family. I’ll be watching and rejoicing with tears no doubt…and cheering you on. (((HUGS)))

  • Dear Louis,
    We are all glad you will o your show no matter how difficult it might be. Jac would be so proud. Passing a church this morning I saw a sign ” a smile will make a sad day better”. I thought of you. Sending you much love.
    Beryl

  • My prayers are with you, Louis. Know that God will continue to give you strength and Jac will be in your heart forever. Blessings….

  • Dear Louis,

    Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts with your Linea ladies. You are often in my thoughts and prayers. Dealing with government offices, banks, and other agencies can be extremely difficult at this time. Please do not make any major decisions for at least a year. Give your mind time to clear from this fog and the answers will be easier then. I am happy that you had Jac in your life and for the special bond that you shared. That bond will never be broken. Take good care of yourself.

    Carol

  • Louis, this is the “busy” work that comes with loss. As difficult as it is, it forces you to keep busy collecting all the necessary paperwork that is needed. It fills the days and gives you the opportunity to have people around to help you and it gives you comfort in hearing them speak of Jac. It helps to keep her spirit alive in their memories. Your brother and Jac’s sister are the ones that can give you the most comfort and make it possible for you to be able to lean on them at your darkest time. They say the best relief from grief is work but for you it will not be so. Jac was and is entwined in your work, your process, your creativity that is makes it even more difficult for you. I will try to watch you on your next show because I wish to support you but I am not sure I can bear to see the sadness in your eyes and know the grief within your heart. It is one more step you must make on your own. How lovely of Kate to want to make this transition a little easier for you. It is comforting to be shown such kindness in your time of need. Spring is coming and Jac, always, loved planting pansies in the spring. I was thinking, Jac had rain boots, wellies, they make wonderful planters. Maybe, fill them with dirt and plant some pansies and leave them at the back door to the garden, so Jac will be there each time you go outside with the girls and see those happy faces and know that she is happy and there watching over you. My heart breaks for this journey you are on. It is a gift you give all of us by writing, here. I have no doubt that it does your heart good but it does our hearts good as well. Thank you! oxoxoxoxoxo Cat

  • (((((HUGS)))))

    Maria (Goldie76)

  • Dear Louis. I join all the others in expressing condolences. I’ve worn many whisper knits this past month and have thought of you and
    Jac. The 31st will probably be very hard, but know we will be watching and sending our love and affection to you.

    Sharon

  • Dear Louis, Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I hope that each passing day gets a little easier for you… I am blessed that I have my spouse at this time, however, I lost my mom a few years back. As an only child We were extremely close. I didn’t think I could ever go on, and would get extremely anxious thinking about her passing. I certainly was devastated. One day I was watching Dr Phil. There was a woman who had lost her child. Dr Phil said something to the effect, to honor your loved one you must go on living your life. Your loved on would not want you to stop dong all the things that you should be doing. When I would get sad , I thought about that statement. I realized my mom would want she to enjoy the rest of my life. I still miss her terribly, but I try to honor what I think she would want me to do. I don’t think you can equate losing a parent to losing a spouse , but I hope that my thoughts and the thoughts of others give you some measure of comfort. Peace- Nancy

  • Dear Louis, I am one that checks your blog at least once a day. I hope you can feel the love and support from your Linea Ladies. We will be with you at the show on the 31.

  • How remarkable was/is Jac in expressing her love! We can all learn so much from her. Thank you for sharing this with us, Louis. Know that she is with you always–she has escaped her earthly bounds, but her soul/spirit lives on–please take some comfort in that. We’ll all be watching you on the 31st and sending our love and strength to you.

  • I read your post and my heart just aches for you. Brings back so many emotions that I had. My husband and I worked at the same place. After he passed, my first day back to work was dreadful. Couldn’t imagine walking in there without him, facing all our coworkers. But I knew he was there beside me to help me get through it. And I did.

    I’m so glad you are moving forward and doing your show. I agree that time slot will be a good time for you to ease back into it. So wonderful of Kate to have a get together beforehand. I know the show will be difficult, but you will get through it. You have the support of so many people, especially Jac.

    The official mail and papers do seem so cold. I hated dealing with them. So glad you have help from your brother and others. If there is anything I learned, it’s that I stronger than I thought I was. And the thought of our passed love ones by our side only makes us stronger.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and for telling us about the beautiful card from Jac to her sister. So touching, to say the least.

    I’m not as eloquent as others here, so I just say what I’m feeling. No words can help. Just sharing my experiences so you know you’re not alone in how you feel. As always, sending hugs.

  • Dear Louis, My thoughts are with you every day but especially on this January 12th, one month after your beloved Jac passed. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. I know how overwhelming all that official paper work can be at the very time when you feel most unable to handle it. I’m so glad to hear that God has provided earthly helpers to come along side you at this time. I continue to pray for you. May God continue to show you His love and care, Ruth

  • Wanted to let you know you’re in my thoughts and prayers every day. We all miss the beautiful ethereal Jac. Grief takes time. Be kind to yourself, we all care about you very much.

  • Dear Louis,
    Your Jac was so brave and loving. I cannot image how very difficult it was for her to write the letter and notes but she knew it would bring comfort to those she held so dear.
    My admiration for her is immeasurable. Thinking and praying for you every day.
    Elaine

  • dear Louis – we will all welcome you back on the air – from our homes – seemingly in silence for you in the studio – but with our hearts full of affection and warmth headed towards you which i hope you will feel on set. i pray that the day will come, in time, when memories make you feel lucky for what you had, with the sadness slowly easing up. life has its way of restoring equilibrium, moment by moment. until the 31st then….Godspeed.

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