Monthly Archives: January 2018

Hello Everyone,

Today, January 12th, has been one month since I lost my beautiful Jac. It is pouring rain today and it feels very appropriate. I hear the rain beating on the house, and it is exactly how I feel. I cry every day. I can’t seem to hold them back, and honestly I don’t try. I had received a message that these were “sacred tears”, and that they are. I still can not believe that I will not see her again in my lifetime.

I have received requests asking if there was a special charity or organization that Jac and her mother were affiliated with. They both had heart problems, and Jac’s mother always felt so guilty that she passed this on to her Baby. If anyone would like to make a donation in their names it should be to…..The American Heart Association………..I know Jac and her Mom would be very happy that this organization would be getting help……I thank you for asking……I thank you for caring so much………….Love, Louis

Hi Everyone,

First I must say how overwhelmed I am by everyone’s posts , notes, cards. letters and beautiful poems that have been sent to me and posted right here. I too check in every day. I don’t often write, because honestly, not much has changed. I don’t have to tell you again that my heart is shattered, my life’s path is broken and emotionally I feel drained……This Friday the 12th, will be one month since by Baby passed, and yet it feels like yesterday…..The tears flow, and flow, and flow……………………………..

I do try to keep busy, and I’m working on the January 31st show, putting the outfits and accessories together, always with the TV on for company. When I’m working I try not to think of Jac too much, because it stops me dead in my tracks….It’s hard to focus on clothes when I’m thinking of my beautiful Jac, and then my mind wanders and I start thinking of how much I miss her……….

God works in mysterious ways. I can’t help but think he planned ahead for my show to be on at 1am on the 31st, the last day of the month…..At this hour the building will be practically empty, so I won’t have lots of people coming up to me with their heartfelt condolences……all well meaning….but just too emotional for me right now. There will only be the three people at the front “Operations Desk”, the stylist, the makeup person, my six models, the host [don’t know who that will be yet], and the crew on the set. That will make it easier for me my first time back……Of course, Jac will be there with me at my side, holding me up to give me the strength I will need….. I will need all of her support to get through this two hour show…….I also know that many of you will there there with me too, and for that I am very grateful. I will do my best to hold it together, but I know there will be moments that will be very difficult……Kate, the model, is planning a get together at her home the night before on the 30th for me and some of the models. I appreciate this very much, because I don’t think I could handle seeing them all for the first time just before the show in the models room. I know we would all be emotional wrecks. They all loved Jac so much. I know we will all do our best, but I know it will be a difficult show for all of us. Jac will just have to lift all of us up.

Besides all of the beautiful cards I have received, I have also gotten all of this “official” mail concerning Jac’s passing. Lots of forms to fill out. This is all way over my head, and truly I don’t want to do it. It is so upsetting, so official, so intrusive….so my wonderful brother has been helping me with all of this paper work. Today I have more meetings with bank people etc etc, and my accountant Elliot, who Jac and I know for years and years, and who Jac called her “boyfriend”, is coming from the city and will come with me…..so you see I do have help to deal with these things that must be taken care of. Once it’s all taken care of this heavy weight on my shoulders hopefully will be lifted.

As I was gathering important papers for these meetings, that Jac and I kept in a strong box, I found a sealed card addressed to “My Dear Sister Marianne”. At the bottom it said “Please give this card to my sister”. I was shocked……When had she written this? How long had it been sitting  at the bottom of this box waiting for me to find it? It’s only because I needed these paper, which I’m sure she knew at some point I would need, did I even look into the box. I also found a card that her sister wrote to Jac years ago. It wasn’t a specific occasion card, just a beautiful card expressing her love for Jac. I thought Marianne, her sister, should have both of these cards immediately so I Fed Ex them over night and she received them yesterday, Marianne called me last night, in tears, to tell me she had received the cards, and had been crying all day. The card that she had sent to Jac, and now was sent back to her, was no doubt done through Jac’s hand. The message of love was exchanged from one sister to the other, and now back again…………The sealed card said, ” My Dearest Marianne, if you are reading this card then you know I have passed, and I’m now with Mommy.” The rest is just too personal……..Marianne asked me all sorts of questions like when do I think she wrote this? I had no answer. We could only guess that she wrote it when she first found out about the cancer a year and a half ago. I guess she always had doubts that she would survive……The tears just keep flowing. She thanked me profusely for getting these precious cards to her, and they are at her bedside. She told me she cries everyday…..we are in the same boat together…….The tormenting pain of missing Jac just is constantly there………………..So, I continue on this new path I must travel, but there is nothing joyful about this new dark road I am on……………..I do thank you all beyond words for caring so much for my well being…….I just need Jac to lift me up every second of the day……………….much Love, Louis

Jac had two copies of a book called “Safe Passage, Words to Help the Grieving”. In one of the books she kept notes and messages her Mother had written to her through the years. Whenever Jac would go to Europe to work her Mother would always leave a note or card in her bag to read on the plane. For all occasions or none at all Jac and her Mother would leave each other notes. When Jac’s Mother passed Jac would still find notes hidden for her to find. She saved them all. The ones in this book meant the most to her, and sometimes she would read  to me a note or a card. She wanted this book with all of her special notes to be cremated with her, and so it was…………..She left me a second copy of the book with little pieces of paper marking pages she wanted me to read. I have not been able to open it. This morning, before I write to Jac, I decided to randomly open it up and read a page. This is what the message said…………

………………..”We know ourselves by the stories we tell. Losing you has dismantled my story line and shaken my plot; the tale I tell about who I am and where I am going doesn’t make sense anymore. I want desperately to find other words that will imagine my life anew. I just don’t know where and how that story will begin”.

……………………….My Dear Dear Friends…………….On this New Year’s Day……a new year, a new life begins….For me, the start of this new year is very sad…..but I know my Jac is in my arms…..and will always be…….I can not express enough how much your words, prayers and beautiful poems have comforted me. I come to read your posts every day, and everyday, though I may be crying, and your messages may be difficult to read through my tears, I wipe them away and feel the love you all have for Jac and me………Many have said look for her signs…..I can tell you I have seen many. She told me she would come to me no matter what it takes……nothing would keep her away……….The other day as I sat in the wicker chair in Mom’s room, as I was about to write to Jac, not knowing how to begin….. I looked out the window. It was a gray day, and you couldn’t see where the water ended and the sky began…..it was all one………Out of nowhere two beautiful White Swans came swimming by! Two White Swans swimming in the Long Island Sound? I had never seen swans in the Sound before….. I knew Jac and her Mom came to visit me…..there was no doubt in my mind.. They lingered a while and then slowly glided away disappearing into the gray fog…………………

………………..At Jac’s service the Rev’d Key said to me “You always have to look at the horizon. You may not be able to see what is on the other side, but know Jac is there waiting for you”……………… …………………..I hold Jac, my Angel, very close to me, and know she is never far away………The pain and emptiness I feel now I know will take a very long time to be replaced with happiness, and joy, but when I look at a picture like the one above, of my beautiful Jac, my Angel…….I smile and remember……………………………………………………………………………

……………………………..My gratitude to all of you is endless…………..all I can say is I Love you all for all the Love you have shared with us………………………….Louis