Designer

Hi Everyone,

First I must say how overwhelmed I am by everyone’s posts , notes, cards. letters and beautiful poems that have been sent to me and posted right here. I too check in every day. I don’t often write, because honestly, not much has changed. I don’t have to tell you again that my heart is shattered, my life’s path is broken and emotionally I feel drained……This Friday the 12th, will be one month since by Baby passed, and yet it feels like yesterday…..The tears flow, and flow, and flow……………………………..

I do try to keep busy, and I’m working on the January 31st show, putting the outfits and accessories together, always with the TV on for company. When I’m working I try not to think of Jac too much, because it stops me dead in my tracks….It’s hard to focus on clothes when I’m thinking of my beautiful Jac, and then my mind wanders and I start thinking of how much I miss her……….

God works in mysterious ways. I can’t help but think he planned ahead for my show to be on at 1am on the 31st, the last day of the month…..At this hour the building will be practically empty, so I won’t have lots of people coming up to me with their heartfelt condolences……all well meaning….but just too emotional for me right now. There will only be the three people at the front “Operations Desk”, the stylist, the makeup person, my six models, the host [don’t know who that will be yet], and the crew on the set. That will make it easier for me my first time back……Of course, Jac will be there with me at my side, holding me up to give me the strength I will need….. I will need all of her support to get through this two hour show…….I also know that many of you will there there with me too, and for that I am very grateful. I will do my best to hold it together, but I know there will be moments that will be very difficult……Kate, the model, is planning a get together at her home the night before on the 30th for me and some of the models. I appreciate this very much, because I don’t think I could handle seeing them all for the first time just before the show in the models room. I know we would all be emotional wrecks. They all loved Jac so much. I know we will all do our best, but I know it will be a difficult show for all of us. Jac will just have to lift all of us up.

Besides all of the beautiful cards I have received, I have also gotten all of this “official” mail concerning Jac’s passing. Lots of forms to fill out. This is all way over my head, and truly I don’t want to do it. It is so upsetting, so official, so intrusive….so my wonderful brother has been helping me with all of this paper work. Today I have more meetings with bank people etc etc, and my accountant Elliot, who Jac and I know for years and years, and who Jac called her “boyfriend”, is coming from the city and will come with me…..so you see I do have help to deal with these things that must be taken care of. Once it’s all taken care of this heavy weight on my shoulders hopefully will be lifted.

As I was gathering important papers for these meetings, that Jac and I kept in a strong box, I found a sealed card addressed to “My Dear Sister Marianne”. At the bottom it said “Please give this card to my sister”. I was shocked……When had she written this? How long had it been sitting  at the bottom of this box waiting for me to find it? It’s only because I needed these paper, which I’m sure she knew at some point I would need, did I even look into the box. I also found a card that her sister wrote to Jac years ago. It wasn’t a specific occasion card, just a beautiful card expressing her love for Jac. I thought Marianne, her sister, should have both of these cards immediately so I Fed Ex them over night and she received them yesterday, Marianne called me last night, in tears, to tell me she had received the cards, and had been crying all day. The card that she had sent to Jac, and now was sent back to her, was no doubt done through Jac’s hand. The message of love was exchanged from one sister to the other, and now back again…………The sealed card said, ” My Dearest Marianne, if you are reading this card then you know I have passed, and I’m now with Mommy.” The rest is just too personal……..Marianne asked me all sorts of questions like when do I think she wrote this? I had no answer. We could only guess that she wrote it when she first found out about the cancer a year and a half ago. I guess she always had doubts that she would survive……The tears just keep flowing. She thanked me profusely for getting these precious cards to her, and they are at her bedside. She told me she cries everyday…..we are in the same boat together…….The tormenting pain of missing Jac just is constantly there………………..So, I continue on this new path I must travel, but there is nothing joyful about this new dark road I am on……………..I do thank you all beyond words for caring so much for my well being…….I just need Jac to lift me up every second of the day……………….much Love, Louis

Jac had two copies of a book called “Safe Passage, Words to Help the Grieving”. In one of the books she kept notes and messages her Mother had written to her through the years. Whenever Jac would go to Europe to work her Mother would always leave a note or card in her bag to read on the plane. For all occasions or none at all Jac and her Mother would leave each other notes. When Jac’s Mother passed Jac would still find notes hidden for her to find. She saved them all. The ones in this book meant the most to her, and sometimes she would read  to me a note or a card. She wanted this book with all of her special notes to be cremated with her, and so it was…………..She left me a second copy of the book with little pieces of paper marking pages she wanted me to read. I have not been able to open it. This morning, before I write to Jac, I decided to randomly open it up and read a page. This is what the message said…………

………………..”We know ourselves by the stories we tell. Losing you has dismantled my story line and shaken my plot; the tale I tell about who I am and where I am going doesn’t make sense anymore. I want desperately to find other words that will imagine my life anew. I just don’t know where and how that story will begin”.

……………………….My Dear Dear Friends…………….On this New Year’s Day……a new year, a new life begins….For me, the start of this new year is very sad…..but I know my Jac is in my arms…..and will always be…….I can not express enough how much your words, prayers and beautiful poems have comforted me. I come to read your posts every day, and everyday, though I may be crying, and your messages may be difficult to read through my tears, I wipe them away and feel the love you all have for Jac and me………Many have said look for her signs…..I can tell you I have seen many. She told me she would come to me no matter what it takes……nothing would keep her away……….The other day as I sat in the wicker chair in Mom’s room, as I was about to write to Jac, not knowing how to begin….. I looked out the window. It was a gray day, and you couldn’t see where the water ended and the sky began…..it was all one………Out of nowhere two beautiful White Swans came swimming by! Two White Swans swimming in the Long Island Sound? I had never seen swans in the Sound before….. I knew Jac and her Mom came to visit me…..there was no doubt in my mind.. They lingered a while and then slowly glided away disappearing into the gray fog…………………

………………..At Jac’s service the Rev’d Key said to me “You always have to look at the horizon. You may not be able to see what is on the other side, but know Jac is there waiting for you”……………… …………………..I hold Jac, my Angel, very close to me, and know she is never far away………The pain and emptiness I feel now I know will take a very long time to be replaced with happiness, and joy, but when I look at a picture like the one above, of my beautiful Jac, my Angel…….I smile and remember……………………………………………………………………………

……………………………..My gratitude to all of you is endless…………..all I can say is I Love you all for all the Love you have shared with us………………………….Louis

…………………..My Dear Friends…………..I am so sorry to have to write to you with this heartbreaking news………..My Heart, my Soul, the Love of my Life, my Wonderful Beautiful Jac passed away on December 12th, at 3:50 in the afternoon. I don’t even know what to say, because I am completely shattered. I don’t know how I will, or if I can ever recover. I miss her so much, all I do is cry…..

I know in my heart she would want me to make this very brief, but she deserves so much more than a sentence or two…..so my darling please forgive.

We found out a year and a half ago, July 2016 that Jac had cancer. How could this be!? Jac never smoked and lived a completely healthy life style. Jac had heart problems. That was part of her family history, but not cancer. When we got this shocking and horrific news we went right to Boston Mass General where we know the head of Oncology, Dr. Alice Shaw. Jac was fast tracked, and after many tests and studies, Dr. Shaw started Jac on a drug, and miracle of miracles it worked, and it worked fast. Within 12 days Jac was  feeling well enough to come home. She improved quickly, and Dr Shaw told us they were the best scans she had ever seen for someone who was on this drug for so short a time. For a year all was well, Jac was back modeling at QVC, and everything seemed normal and right with the world…..She was able to do everything she had done before. She felt great. We were so relieved…..We even went this past June to our favorite Island, Anguilla, where this photo was taken, and we were so happy….Life was good and we were so thankful. She had thought she would never see Anguilla again, and here we were, basking in the beautiful sunset………..We were in heaven.

Little did we know. This past August Jac started to feel unwell, and we learned the pill had stopped working and the cancer had returned.

Jac was devoted to her Mother….her “Mommy”, and her Mommy was devoted to her. They were one heart and one soul. I have never, and will probably never see a mother and daughter as close as they were….and I’m sure they are in each others arms as I write this. Her Mom moved in with us and lived with us for many years. When Mom passed Jac kept her room exactly as it was, as if she had never left. It has been that way ever since…… Every morning and every evening Jac wrote to her Mom in her journals, sitting in her Mom’s room in a wicker chair, covered in a crocheted blanket of the American flag her mother made, looking through the window at the Long Island sound. Looking at the same view her Mom had looked at for all those years. It gave Jac peace. I too have started doing the same thing. I have never kept journals, but now I write to Jac each morning and every night, or when ever I feel she’s slipping away from me…It helps me to feel close to her…It helps me to write to her….to tell her stories. She loved when I told her stories……The last month of Jac’s life she kept saying to me, ” you must keep a routine, it’s important to keep a routine. You must work and keep busy or you will fall into a black deep abyss, and I don’t want that for you, please promise me this.” I promised, but it is so hard not to fall into the darkness…….. Much of my work was joyful because I knew she was there, and a big part of it. I have not been able to walk into my studio since she left me……She kept doing her Facebook page and insisted that I take photos of the newest styles on her so she could post them to you…….even when she was in terrible pain. I said, “Hon you don’t have to do this”, but as weak as she was she said, “I can’t disappoint my friends”. She truly loved you all very much…..So, for those who think, as I have read on the Linea Forum, that meaningful, heartfelt relationships can’t be made by communicating for over 17 years on Facebook or blogs or fashion shows on QVC, I say to them “you are so so wrong”, all you need is an “open giving, and loving  Heart”, and Jac gave, gave, gave, expecting nothing in return. For those who think that what we have both done is for business purposes, I say “shame on you.”………Jac and I both knew the love that was, and is shared between all of us was true, and real……………I will never address this again.

I kept her home for as long as I could and at Thanksgiving she asked if I we could have our Christmas early. I said “of course Hon, anything you want”……so I put all the decorations up, and everything looked beautiful for her. We had our Christmas…….When she finally had to leave our home, and went into the hospital, I never left her for one second……..She had hoped for snow. She wanted to see snow again, and on that Saturday, December 9th, God was good and gave her her wish. It was a beautiful snow fall, and she was so happy…….On the 11th when Jac, was getting weaker and weaker, she knew in her heart that all hope of recovery was gone. She looked at me, held my hand, and said “Lou, please tell me the truth”. I said to her “Hon, I have never lied to you, and I never will”. We held each other and she asked me all the hard questions……all the things I could never say on my own. After all of her questions were answered she told me ” I have loved you from the first time I saw you, it was love at first sight for me. Lou I never want to leave you…….but it’s time for me to go to my Mommy, I want to go home to Mommy”……I told her it was alright, and to give Mom a big hug and a kiss. Jac had told me I was her Mother’s angel…..I was the only one her Mom trusted to take care of her precious baby…………………Jac passed away in a beautiful room with all of the things she wanted with her. She had no pain. It was peaceful and serene, and I held her close. I knew she was at last in her Mommy’s loving arms.

I sat in her Mom’s room after Jac passed and asked Jac for guidance….The days were going by and I hadn’t said a word. I knew everyone was so concerned and worried for us……so I talked to Jac and WE made the decision to wait until after Christmas to let everyone know…We did  not want to make it a sad day for anyone. Please forgive me if my delay in posting this has caused anyone pain. I never meant to hurt anyone by my silence. When is it the right time to have to say these words?……I still can’t believe I’m writing them.

One day Jac and I will be together again. I know this for sure…….I know I will miss her and want her with me every moment of the life I have left…..I must believe that she is beside me and I’m always looking for her messages and signs…..Jac and I had many adventures together and took many journeys……Our physical journey has now ended, but I know in my heart our spiritual journey has just begun……….Even so…..It is so terribly hard.

I want to thank all those who knew what was happening for the last year and a half and kept our wish not to let anyone know. I want to thank my friends at QVC for being my advocate through this horrible period of time, and for the help and love they provided. I want to thank Dr. Alice Shaw and Dr. Jessica Lin at Boston Mass General for giving Jac that precious year of feeling “normal” and healthy again. I especially want to thank Dr. Caleb Moore, our doctor here in Greenwich, for being at our home at a moments notice, and for taking charge of Jac’s care when he knew I could no longer give her the care she needed. Mostly, I want to thank my family and her closest friends, who she loved so much, and were there for her at the end. They made it possible for Jac to leave this world surrounded by their love. I will be forever grateful….. Jac was an extremely private person. We didn’t have many friends….out of choice……. All we ever wanted or needed was each other, our babies, and our home by the sea. We would call our home…..”Our separate peace”, where nothing could disturb or touch us or harm us…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

This post is meant for YOU and YOU alone. I know Jac would think I have already said too much. She always said I talked too much, but I could go on and on taking about the love of my life……..Please do NOT re-post this message that I’m sending to you on any other social media……Not on the QVC boards or Facebook. I know that this news will spread quickly, but I beg you to keep our privacy the best you can, and if you must speak, speak of the Love you have for Jac.

I, with all of my heart, and I know with all of Jac’s heart, want to thank all of you who have become Dear Dear Friends over these passed years. Your concern, caring and love shines though, and I know I will need all of you more than ever.

I feel there is a hole in my chest where my heart used to be. A terrible emptiness that will never go away, but I also know my heart must still be there , because it’s full of love for my Jac…….Before Jac came into my life I was a very lonely person. I had many many friends, but I still felt this terrible loneliness…………Jac taught me what love was all about, and it was Jac who taught me how to love…………………………………There will never be another like her……………….not for me……………..not ever………..My only solace is that we will be together again.

………………………Tis the season to think of Holiday parties, and special Holiday events……….I created this Shantung woven jacket just for such events. You already own so many things that you can wear under any of these three jackets……Wear it when you are going to a friend’s or family’s home, a Gala, or just want to look special as you greet guests at your own front door. Are you planning to go to a beautiful restaurant for a special night out with your friends or a date night with your special someone…..wear this.  The Alabaster color looks like shimmering Champagne, and so flattering in evening glowing light……The Black is the perfect backdrop for everything you own…..How stunning will you look in the Scarlet Red jacket at a candle lite Midnight Mass!……………….As the seasons change don’t think this lovely weightless jacket needs to be stored away……..Come spring and summer there are many many ways to continue to wear it. If you’re not sure just how to put it together….that’s what I’m here for….A297866 is the style number……….This is one of my FAVORITE THINGS!…………….Happy Holidays……………….Love……..Louis